To Egypt and Back Again

The new year is well underway and I find myself behind once again in getting things done and keeping up with my blog...such that it is. I should be used to the speed of wishful thinking by now. I was out of the country for a few weeks in February, so I can honestly say that all the departure preparation and difficult reentry played a great part in this.

So I was in Egypt for 2 weeks and what an amazing experience. This was definitely one of those "dream places" and I can't believe my good fortune in being able to actually experience it. I found that it's one thing to read about and see pictures in books and quite another to see stories-tall statues of Pharaohs and goddesses in person. Every inch of every temple was decorated and now and again a bit of color shone through. It's hard to fathom how it must've looked in color back in the day.

The Egyptian people were just lovely. I felt safe and quite welcome everywhere we went. Everyone spoke English even if a few only said, "Yankee Doodle" and "One Dollar". Everything was one dollar until you went to actually pay for something. My favorite part of the trip had to be the cruise down the Nile...or up the Nile since it runs from South to North. Our riverboat, Miss Egypt, was lovely and there was a wonderful sun deck on top where we stepped back in time. I could easily see that the banks of the Nile had changed in eons. We passed field after field of various crops, date and orange groves and people harvesting sugar cane. There wasn't a high-rise or condo complex in sight and the fields were being harvested much like they were thousands of years ago. Camels and donkeys were put to work while the dogs and kids played at the field's edge. It certainly was postcard perfect.

Now it's back to work and I'm ready for the whatever's next portion of the program. I see things much differently since my return. Time away from my day in, day out routines always give me perspective and this one certainly was a bit more intense than most from an energetic viewpoint. It almost feels like a pregnant pause for I know something amazing is right around the corner, but I'm not sure what that means. Stay tuned! I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I recommend dreaming about something you'd really like to do or somewhere you'd really like to visit. I never thought I'd ever see those sights in person and after a year of dreaming, it actually happened!

Another year winding down and another day looking out my window wondering what's next. I'm approaching a year at my retail job which I thought would only last a few months at most. Finding and maintaining meaningful, gainful employment has certainly been at the forefront of the past 4 years and I'm ready for another topic as this one is so 5 minutes ago. I can't believe how much time and energy has been spent in angst trying to provide for myself and yet the days and weeks pass and I'm still here and not missing any meals I might add.

So what's in store for next year? I'm not even going to guess. This year has been jam packed with all kinds of ups and downs and sideways events, that I'll just trust this year. I'll trust I'm always in the right place at the right time. I'll trust that I'm with whomever I need to be with and doing whatever I need to be doing. I'll trust that I don't always need to know why something happens like it does and I'll trust that I am always taken care of. My New Year's Resolution is one of trust and we'll revisit it next year to see how it plays out!

Happy New Year and Happy New You! Blessings for your journey and deep gratitude for your friendship along the way. Hang on! It's shaping up to be quite a ride!

Happy New Year everyone!

Summertime Louis

So hard for me to believe that summer is winding down already. Seems it just began a week ago. It's been a busy one and also a baffling one. I find myself sitting in the same chair wondering when the tide will change and I'll be on my own again. Feels like I'm just doing time...one foot in front of the other...one step forward, two steps back...3 steps sideways then back around again.

I have a new buddy, though. Seems that Louis has adopted me. He's a stray that's been coming around for months but it wasn't until early July that he showed up with a horrible abscess on his neck which was gross at best. He let me nurse him a bit with a peroxide solution, but I quickly realized it was beyond my healing skills and took him to my vet - after I drugged him, of course. He didn't want anything to do with going anywhere until the meds kicked in. I told them to please just address his neck wound but there's a state law about rabies and since he's already under anesthesia why not nip his manhood? They also treated him for fleas and ticks. The poor guy was really a bit of a mess, but until his neck grossed me out, I didn't want to pay a dime for a stray that probably wouldn't stick around. A few bowls of kibble? No problem but honestly, I was actually a bit upset with me that I did, but I couldn't stand the thought of him just laying there so miserable and in pain - or any animal for that matter. I'm such a sucker. My vet did work with me to keep costs down, but it was still more than I wanted to spend.

I kept him sequestered upstairs for about a week (he had drainage tubes in his neck) but it was only a few days before he started feeling better. I asked him if I could take out his stitches and if not, we'd have to go to the vet and I swear he understood me. A few snips and a few tugs and he was good as new. Once the final scab fell off, I let him back outside and he took off for the woods only to return now and again for a bite to eat, much like he did before. He continued to show up semi-regularly and this past week, he spent the night inside and he hasn't missed a meal these days, either. He still does his walkabouts in the woods all day but I think he's happy to have a place to hang in bad weather. Cecil and Cleo are tolerant, but really haven't fully embraced him. He's quite chill and there's no fighting so I'll let them figure out the pecking order and the details. He's a sweet boy but I'd like to find him another home eventually. We'll see how that shakes out.

I must say that he's a bit slow regarding human behavior which I find really amusing. He's not sure how to curl up in my lap and has tripped me up on many occasions. He just looks confused and I have faith he'll figure it out eventually. He's not a picky eater and is quite submissive which is why he's lasted as long as he has with Cleo. She thinks he's just another wimp, which I believe is true. I have no idea how old he is or what his plans might be going forward, but for now he seems content to hang out and do his cat thing. Works for me. I know Spencer didn't seem to mind him when he came around to eat but Spencer always knew there was plenty enough for everyone. Unlike Cecil, (whom I also call Chubs), Spencer was always patient when it came to dinner. No whining, no nagging, no turning his nose up. Very polite and yes, I still miss him often.

It'll be interesting to see which way the wind starts blowing this fall. I feel it's time for a bit of change yet things have been so much the same for so long, well, this may be the best it gets although I can't believe this is my best effort at creation seeing how I'm missing the financial and relationship portions of the program but for now, it sure seems that way. Perhaps I'm supposed to be here in order to be of assistance to a random cat in the woods while I wait for the rest of the world to tune in or as I like to say, align. Not a bad place to be, just nothing I'd ever have dreamed these past few years to be.

Sadness and Loss = Joy?

I suddenly find myself in the midst of great loss and incredible sorrow and keep wondering who or what might be next. It's especially painful because I'm the one choosing. I decided to have my friend, Spencer, put out of his pain. I found him through a cat rescue group 14 years ago after moving into my new apartment where I could finally have a pet. I'd always been a dog lover but he won me over quickly and what a joy he was as well as a stabilizing anchor in my life when things were in chaos. He made me laugh a lot and was always curling up beside me when I felt crappy. I love you dearly and miss your furry little face so very much. I so hated the decision I made but it became more painful to watch him struggle with daily life and on some level I knew he wanted to go home. I made a nice space for him under the Catawba tree outside my window. He used to sit there while I worked in the yard. Seemed appropriate that he should rest there.

I also lost my main source of income the same day. What great timing. Yet another pink slip and I certainly didn't see this one coming, but that's how most things in my life occur. I still have part-time work which will see me through but once again I'm back to square one thinking about how to go about supporting myself once again. This month marks 4 years of under or unemployment and I should be really skilled at reinventing myself but quite frankly, I'm a bit tired right now. I'll limp along with my part-time work and give my heart a bit of time and space to heal. I trust there will come a time when the excitement of all the potentials reemerges. Until then, I'm a bit busy being sad.

I'm also losing a dear friend of 50+ years. Yes, I'm that old. I've finally reached a point where I'm okay with my decision to move on, but I've been grieving that loss deeply, too, It's sad to witness someone you love self-destruct. Gotta love the planet of free choice! I'm headed in another direction and cannot be around the insanity any longer. May you find the peace you deserve that always seems just out of arm's reach.

May we all find peace in these great times of change. This isn't my usual mood, but this time I'm allowing myself to be sad and to take whatever time I need. Been a triple whammy and I'm also finding myself sad for those losing their loved ones, their homes and livelihoods in tornadoes, wildfires and earthquakes. I'm certain there's a great gift in the sadness so I'll keep looking for now. Sorrow is also a part of being human and how would I know what absolute joy was if I never felt the depths of despair and sadness?

Wishing us all peace and comfort during these amazing times of change. I know that greatness and joy is our birthright and that I'll eventually feel joy and optimism once again soon. I'm also clear that there is a greater reason and purpose in my recent losses than what I'm able to grasp at this time. All I know right now is that it just feels icky.

Rest in peace, Spencer. Your gift of friendship and unconditional love I will forever remember. Find peace, my lost friend. I wish you well. Future meaningful work? Can't wait to see what I create! I'm ready!...but first, I feel a few more tears on their way.

Bring it on...Note to the Universe about Pitt Bulls and Redemption

So it seems only right to include a pic of my Warrior Huntress, Cleo. She has been the model and reminder of relaxed confidence I so needed this week. With so many things in flux, just trying to maintain center - whatever that may be. My definition changes often. I'm sure you're going through all the randomness on some level, too. Law of Attraction? How about Law of Attention?

So about the redemption portion of this story...I was recently involved in a random attack involving a pitt bull and a few other neighbors -- which isn't the best way to get to know your neighborhood, btw. I was driving home, stopped at a stop sign in my neighborhood, looked to my left to see a woman screaming and a man swinging a bat. I thought he was going to kill her. When I jumped out of the car, I realized she was pinned underneath her dog, a large, Shepard/Lab mix, Rocky, and a pitt bull was trying to take off Rocky's leg while the man was beating the pitt bull. Oh shit! I was already in motion. I flashed on a scene in one of my favorite movies, Little Big Man, where before every battle, an Indian Chief would proclaim, "This is a good day to die." Rocky was just relaxing into what was. No sense in struggling with this one.

About 3 minutes later, we were all in my car headed for the hospital. My back seat looked like a crime scene by the end of the night. We dropped Rocky off at the animal ER, then went to the human version ourselves. We were lucky to escape with a dozen or so stitches each, bruises, punctures and the adrenaline rush of a lifetime. Rocky, the Shepard/lab mix, is still struggling and may still lose his leg. It was such a random, senseless and incredibly violent attack. Again...wtf?

A few weeks later, interrupted schedules/lives and such, but we're all healing. Court today was a curious process and I'm left with another sense of WTF was all that about? The courts are doing what they do trying to keep up with the insanity, people are still pointing fingers and saying they really didn't know. This time, I could really observe. I still had compassion for the people (me included) for the pain and suffering yet wondering about the violent intrusion into my otherwise normal routine. I started thinking about the case before ours where a woman lost 3 of her goats to a dog and she just wanted him to be contained. A dog killed 3 goats? Surely there's a brain tumor involved. How would I feel to lose my animals to a senseless act of violence?

Cleo's relaxed look of confidence brought it all back home to me today. I'm good and I'm grateful. Even if life shows up with a random pitt bull, it will most certainly make a bloody mess, but he'll eventually tuck in his tail and run away. Like Cleo, time to strike a re-pose and just re-member who you really are. Oh yeah...

The Fog

This month has produced a great deal of fog...brain fog for lack of a better description. I began February by traveling to Bolivia for what I thought would be a vacation of sorts. I don't know how I ever made the mental leap to vacation since Bolivia is a third world country, but anywhere out of my immediate neighborhood constitutes travel these days so a long flight to the southern hemisphere had to be relaxing.

Little did I know that I was actually on a pilgrimage until I was informed a few days after arrival. When the cabana boys neglected to show up with cold beverages, I became suspicious. When I realized that summertime in Bolivia actually translated into scarves, mittens and several layers of mis-matched clothing, I knew my dream vacation was still, well, a dream.

So there are 2 seasons in Bolivia--wet and dry. The roads are also on record as being some of the most dangerous in the world. I'll confirm that. I had the misfortune of being in the front seat for the dreaded 18 hour drive from one end of the country to the next and while the scenery was spectacular, the hairpin muddy curves were breathtaking...literally. There was more than one turn where I just couldn't watch. While I had a bit of leg room by sitting in the front, I often thought how ignorance really was bliss when it came to road conditions.

My trip is coming back in pieces and in layers. I experienced the obvious shopping joys, photos of incredible landscapes and happy but very poor people by my standards. I also realized that poor is relative and so is happy. They had no idea they were poor and their smiles were so infectious. I know on some level that the personal work I did was very profound yet I'm not exactly sure in what ways. I've taken the approach that I'm on a need to know basis with the universe and I obviously don't need to know anything just yet, so it just is what it is. I can tell you that the brain fog I developed and still swim in is persistent. It's been a few weeks and I still find myself wondering what I'm doing while I'm in the midst of doing it. I'm also sleeping or tired a great deal and grateful that I have a bit of flexibility in my day to take advantage of the occasional nap.

I also have a deep knowing that the work we did as a collective was also quite profound and I have no frame of reference for any of it. It all seemed so familiar - playful, joyful yet like serious business at the same time. I felt such reverence and honor just being present. I hope that one day I'll have a clue and if not, I'm okay with a bit of mystery in my life.

Weather Paralysis

An amazing snowstorm blew through my sunny world and brought an accompanying dose of cabin fever which is just setting in. It's only day 3 and looking like I'll be stuck indoors for a few more days. Atlanta isn't too keen on snow removal nor does it have a clue that salt is actually helpful in icy situations. The local stations are non-stop about this calamity even preempting my favorite shows with tale after tale of clogged, icy interstates and side streets. Enough!

I'm actually grateful that power has been on but if you tell me that Dr. Phil will be broadcast at 3am for yet another day, I may have to call your help desk to calm me down. Help! I don't have TIVO so quit telling me to record it to watch later! I set my alarm for 3am but it obviously isn't worth resetting my internal rhythms. I realize it's a snow emergency but how many times does a captive audience need to hear how bad it is outside when all they have to do is look out the window? You may not recognize your audience's daily need for TV psychiatry, but we all need our requisite fixes to get through the day. Geesh! Certainly not too much to ask, is it? One hour? The ice will still be there, I promise. Atlanta's form of snow removal is the sun and we haven't seen that for a few days. Trust me. One hour of Dr. Phil will do your audience more good than another hour of what's closed. Everything! That's what's closed! Next subject!

So I've spent a few days photographing birds chowing at the feeder outside my window. I've also been updating content my website and I finally put my Christmas things away. I made my way to the mailbox today only to realize that the mail creed in the south is different. They'll deliver mail in the summer's heat when the danger of it spontaneously combusting is quite real, but perhaps they're trying to deliver it only to keep sliding down the hill in my neighborhood. For all I know, the truck may be down the street spinning out or trying to gather momentum or even stuck in a pile of ice. It's not like I'm expecting a Publisher's Clearing House visit or check and even if the check arrives, I can't get it to the bank, so I'll just wait for the thaw like the rest of the city. As long as the power holds, I've got more than enough distractions.

I've been indoors for longer stretches, but that usually included a bout of the flu or a manic episode of interior redecoration. I'm fond of saying, "This, too, shall pass." I know it will but in the meantime, it's time to put on some boots and venture past the mailbox even if it's to check and see if the mailman is actually in peril. Tomorrow the thaw might begin, the airport might start releasing flights and I guarantee the roads and interstates will still be a mess. They are with or without snow and ice. All I know for sure is that the local news will show the same footage over and over while talking about how horrible it all is and to stay off the roads. I get it already! Record snowfall+no equipment (minus) Dr. Phil=upset everybody, good Samaritans (thankfully) and one manic resident (me). The only ones I feel more sorry for are the cattle stuck in a semi stranded on I-75. Time to start counting my blessings. In the bigger picture, I'm doing quite well, thanks.